1. Decide that you want to write a screenplay
This may seem obvious to some but what a lot of people don’t realize
is that the first and most important step in not writing a screenplay is
actually wanting to write one. If that wasn’t the case then pretty much
everyone you know would qualify as a non-screenwriter rendering the
pursuit of not screenwriting totally pointless. Nobody wants that. By
taking the time to connect with your desire to write a screenplay, you
are in fact taking the first vital steps to not writing one. Feel good
about that.
2. The “everything’s been done before” excuse
A really good way to not get started on the screenplay
that you are not writing is to realize that there are no new ideas out
there and that, even if there were, someone either already has or most
certainly will get there before you do. Just walk into any café and take
a look around you. One of the thousand jobless monkeys typing in your
local Starbucks or Coffee Bean is bound to not only be writing a very
similar screenplay to the one you are not writing but they are also
probably way better connected. How else could they afford to spend their
days sitting in cafés writing screenplays?
3. Facebook, internet porn,
disease-Googling, food/fashion blogging
The Internet provides a smorgasbord of ways to not write
your screenplay—digging deep into a total stranger’s Facebook photo
album looking for bikini shots, spending some quality double-penetration
time with Sasha Grey or deciding it’s a good idea to self-diagnose that
shooting pain you sometimes get behind your right eye. The Web is a
family-fun-bag-sized treasure trove of ways to not do stuff and in this
case, “stuff” is not writing your screenplay. So fire up the Firefox and
get on with not getting on with it.
4. Decide to write a novel instead
This is one of the best ways to not write a screenplay because novels
are way harder to write. In a screenplay you can say things like “she
sighs heavily” and move on with your life. In a novel you will have to
spend three pages describing this sigh in minute detail followed by
another three letting the reader know that the sigh was really just
metaphor for the fall of civilization. You will also have to describe
what the sigher was wearing, using words like “gauzy” and including
passages like “the air in the room was thick with the loamy perfume of
pinesap and juniper,” whatever that means. All of this will be
sufficiently paralyzing to crush your nascent novel-writing dreams and
send you running back into the warm and familiar embrace of not writing a
screenplay.
5. Read a book about writing screenplays
By reading a book about writing screenplays you are both reaffirming
your burning desire to write one while avoiding the process of actually
doing anything about it. Most of these books will provide you with a lot
of practical advice, but chances are you won’t take any of it because
they’ll tell you what you already know: you need to start writing. The
books will also discuss a process known as “rewriting,” informing you
that it is in fact the essence of writing itself. What they won’t
mention is that rewriting is way less fun than any of the activities
listed in point 3 (particularly the one involving Sasha Grey). Be very
careful when reading any book offering advice on the subject of writing
however, because there is always a chance that you may end up taking
some of it. You’d be amazed by how many people ruin a perfectly good
life not writing screenplays by reading a book about them and getting
inspired to write one.
6. Take a screenwriting class
In a screenwriting class you will be surrounded by a mixture of
people—some writing screenplays, some not—all of whom can help
facilitate the process of not writing one of your own. Your fellow
non-writers will loudly and repeatedly confirm all of your fears,
insecurities and creative blockages while those that are writing them
will affirm your belief that people who write screenplays possess some
special screenwriting gene that you don’t have. Another reason why
taking a screenwriting class is a good idea is that many of them are
taught by people who have impressive screenwriting credentials but are
really just people who are not writing a screenplay themselves. Stay
close to this professional not screenwriter but be very careful to avoid
doing a single thing they say. Simply just do as they do—or as they are
not doing, in this particular case.
7. Buy a screenwriting software program
I don’t recommend this for everyone as the expense of buying software
may actually motivate you to write your screenplay (the same applies to
taking a screenwriting class). But for many non-writers this will be a
handy way to make you feel like you have taken an important step when
the truth is you haven’t. Because, as any person who is actually writing
a screenplay will tell you, the key to being a writer of screenplays
has less to do with taking a class or buying some handy software and
more to do with actually writing one.
8. Keep a journal
A lot of people will tell you that keeping a journal is a vital
creative resource for things like writing screenplays, which it can but
doesn’t have to be. Keeping a journal can also just be a great way to
not write the thing you really should be writing. Writing in your
journal won’t be all that much different from commiserating with your
fellow not-screenplay-writing friends or your shrink or your mom or
whoever it is you talk to about all things not screenplay writing. At
first it will feel like you are on the road to getting unblocked
creatively, but then you’ll hit your not-screenwriting groove by the
sheer amount of pleasure you will derive from digging deep into your own
psyche and its fascinating not-screenplay-writing ways. At some point
you may think, “This is it! I will turn my journal into my screenplay—a
screenplay about not writing a screenplay!” But then you will realize
that the name of that screenplay is
Adaptation and it’s already been written by amazing screenplay writer Charlie Kaufman.
9. Tell someone else what they need to do
to start writing their screenplay
The best advice you can give to someone on any subject is based on
your own life experience but is clearly not the kind of advice you are
willing to take for yourself. That said, giving advice can occasionally
lead to taking it and if this happens you run the risk of beginning to
write, which means you will no longer qualify as a
tortured artist with unrealized screenplay writing potential. You will now clearly be,
just another asshole who happens to be writing a screenplay.
To help you decide where you truly see yourself along this spectrum try
this simple exercise: Look at yourself in the mirror and say the
following, “tortured artist with unrealized screenplay writing
potential,” wait 5-10 seconds and then say, “just another asshole who
happens to be writing a screenplay.” Take a moment to see which of those
two labels feels right to you. If it is the former (and it probably
will be) then give advice to others and give it freely.
10. Award speech/interview fantasy
Fantasizing about giving the perfectly crafted Oscar acceptance
speech for Best Original Screenplay or sitting down for a super-casual
but mind-blowingly intellectual conversation with Charlie Rose are a
pair of great ways to not write a screenplay. Both of these activities
are engaging and quite creative in their own right, but neither one of
them requires that you engage in the difficult task of actually writing
anything. All you need is an active imagination and a burning desire for
all of the back-end pay-off of writing a screenplay without the
necessary drive to do the front-end hard part. Both activities are
surprisingly time consuming and can be practiced in combination with
many of the methods already listed above. Imagining the crushing blow
your success will have on an ex-lover or someone else who didn’t see
your untapped potential is both a great and a sad place to start. Good
luck!
Comments